Avoidant Relationships and Sex

Avoidant Relationships and Sex

I know that I had promised to move through the book “Attached,” with you all chapter by chapter, but I have been remiss. I apologize. I keep the book in my nightstand. When I get a couple hours, I veraciously gobble down as much as I can.


The last couple chapters have been about issues with Anxiously Attached people mated with Avoidantly Attached people. How to make this kind of relationship work if you are already in one, seems to be a bit of a stretch for the person who is the Anxious one. I guess, because I am more toward anxiously attached, I am sincerely compassionate with those poor partners who endure the ever-annoying habits of the Avoidantly blind, almost narcissistic behavior.


Among many things that I found in the chapters that I read, one thing that stuck out like a daylily in a rose garden is: If a person is avoidant attached, which means that he or she is more attached to working hard, independence, doesn’t like to get too intimate, then this person may have some real issues in bed.


One thing that an anxiously attached person wants as well as a secure person is intimacy. Sexuality and intimacy go hand in hand. Sex should commence from a state of intimate behavior. For instance, romantic touching and caressing, may evolved to passionate kisses. Kisses may lead to rubbing each other’s bodies then genitals, which in turn could lead to passionate sex.


But for the avoidantly attached, the sexual part of a relationship is just one more chore or thing he/she must do to be a part of this relationship. He/she often resents having to take part and may avoid it completely. But if the avoidant is trying hard to overcome his/her issues, the avoidant may change character in the middle of the intimacy and simply take over, as if there is a chore to be taken care of and completed. There is a immediate disconnect that happens then with the intimacy. When orgasm is achieved with the avoidant, then this same avoidant person may cuddle up with his/her partner and resume normal behavior without even caring about satisfying the anxiously attached.


Now from the anxiously attached point of view this is like being led down a path of great emotion, then suddenly being blindfolded and raped, albeit with unconscious willingness to please your partner. After which, you clean up and end up in bed getting caressed. Then you convince yourself that all is well, because intimacy had actually happened to some degree.


The truth is that sexual intimacy had been bypassed by your avoidant partner completely. He/she must be called on the carpet or this kind of sexual behavior will go on forever like that. I promise you will never be satisfied with that part of your relationship. You may live with it, put up with it, and even accept it as his/her way of loving you, but it will never be real intimacy unless some real work is done to unhook from the inherent problem of intimacy.


As you can see, I love this book. If you haven’t read it yet, it is simply called “Attached,” by Levine and Heller. I highly recommend it to anyone who is either seeking relationship, because you want to avoid everything that you can, going into new relationships that can lesson the chance of being with the wrong person. Or if you are already in a relationship, it will help you make sense of many things that have gone wrong emotionally and sexually for so many years. It is my new relationship handbook.


* * *


Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.


I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211. 


And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.



When Confusion About Past Love Hits

When Confusion About Past Love Hits

When you are as old as I am, or most of us reading this—hell, even if you’re fifteen, you have probably been through more than one love. If you have, then there are probably triggers in your life that remind you of that special someone who come back to haunt you, even though you are not with that person anymore or even if that person hurt you badly. In most cases, take that scenario and multiply it by 2-5 people, which is the amount of people most of us middle-aged people have loved and lost.

This isn’t something to be discouraged about. You are not grieving that person or those relationships—solely.  You are grieving the “possibility of what those relationships could have been” more than anything. Remember what you just read, and it will save you a lot of money on expensive wine and therapy.

When we try so hard at love, and it doesn’t work out, we get lost in the “what ifs.”

  • Ø What if I were a little more compassionate to his needs?
  • Ø What if I would have waited a little longer for that wound to heal?
  • Ø What if I hadn’t kissed my secretary at the Christmas party?

The “what ifs” form a wall around the relationship that contains it in the category of “IF ONLY.”

“Ifs” are a way to fool your self into believing something could have been, when it really never was. Maybe we could have changed things if we could go back in time. The truth is, though, we can never go back in time.

Learn to be happy with the present. If you aren’t happy with the present, then change it. You are the only one who can.

If you really screwed up a relationship and want it back, you may be lucky enough someday to make things right. But good luck at the waiting for that day. Most smart people are not ready to let the same thing happen to them over again—especially with the same person. Doing anything wrong over again is just crazy.

“Fools walk when the crosswalk sign says STOP!” (Did I make that up or has someone already said it?)

Used to be, every time I would break-up with a dude, I would go back and haunt all the old relationships in my past. I would dig up the “what ifs” like a deranged gravedigger. Usually, I would find that the same wrong things were going on in those relationships that were going on when I was in them. People may change, but the basic character of a person doesn’t usually evolve too quickly. What annoyed you five years ago, will probably still annoy you today.

I picked this topic tonight because after I broke up with the last person I was dating, I made a vow to myself to keep my past in my past. I have done very well with some of those people. But a few of the past loves I missed as friends, and I let them back into my life.

This is a tricky area if you are not very secure in your current relationship. You may think that love goes away, but I’m of the belief that love—real love—stays around for a long time. So, when you befriend an old lover, you are going to be haunted occasionally by those moments of “what if.”

Know this and know this well: The answer always to the question of “What if?” is “What was, wasn’t—so, what is, is just what it is!”

The Difference in a Word

The Difference in a Word.

It has been said that nowhere in the world can you learn the lessons of the heart faster than in relationship. I’ll have to say that is completely true. I’m amazed at how easy it is, after not living with someone for 10 years, to walk away and forget to say “I love you” or even say “good-bye.”

The difference one word can make in a conversation that can appear to be tenuous, and really isn’t is quite amazing.

My partner and I had a funny moment this morning when he thought I was upset that he was upset (frustrated at a computer malfunction) because I didn’t kiss him goodbye when I took my mother to the shoe store.

I seriously didn’t have a clue anything was wrong with him. He was having anxiety because he thought I was upset that he was upset. I felt bad. But we both laughed as we discussed how not to let that happen again.

My mind was simply on appeasing my 80-year-old mother. She can be demanding when she has to go somewhere for an appointment. LOL  My life!

But one word could have made a difference. A kiss could have made a difference. A smile could have made a difference. We forget that communication is the key to a good relationship, especially after you have been in one for a long time.

The majority of my clients have been in long-term relationships. Each of them can tell myriad of stories about how each partner has gone weeks without even speaking. Crazy stuff, especially when you are raising children.

Communication is important on all levels: at work, at home, with yourself, with your children. You must trust your emotions enough to speak what you feel and follow up with the actions that show you mean what you say, loving or when your are putting up safe boundaries.

Love yourself enough today to do this functional necessity. And love someone else in your life enough to say that one word that lets him or her know you care!